"John: The Invisible Man"
This is my first expose written about myself. For over 40 years, I kept a dark, dirty secret. The details of being sexually assaulted at 11 years old are not important. Trust me. It wasn’t pretty. At that moment, when the perpetrator literally passed out on top of me after his climax, I disappeared in my head. I locked the sickening memory deep inside my confused mind. As life went on, I seemed confident, hardworking and ambitious on the outside. But on the inside, I felt invisible. Unworthy. Sneaky. Alone. Confused. Stupid.
From time to time as I grew older, I hid my pain inside the bottle or ran up credit cards in overspending episodes. I was not your classic drinker or over-spender. I was the kind that binged once every two to three years or ran up my credit cards to a point just high enough before incurring serious financial hardship. Able to contain my feelings of worthlessness for awhile, I would always give 110% effort in anything I did. And then, usually when I was feeling good about myself, I would imbibe to subconsciously work hard at destroying myself. Or, purchase expensive man toys behind my spouse’s back. Somehow, I always managed to get by, to survive without serious life-changing consequences.
It was not until my involvement in a traffic accident in which I sustained a traumatic brain injury, did my demons become unleashed to a point of no return. Feeling stupid and angry, I became over-the-top resentful. In just a few years, I became out-of-control, both emotionally and in my actions. I nearly lost everything – my wife, my home, all of my wealth, and my life.
It was not until Christmas 2015, that I finally realized how bad things had gotten. It was the first time in over 25 years that I was celebrating the Holiday without my family. My wife had filed for divorce and it didn’t look good. I knew I had to do something, and do something quickly. I was feeling like not wanting to exist anymore. I punched the buttons on my cell phone and called a professional crisis center. And so began my journey, my journey to become un-invisible. To reclaim my life.
It’s been nearly a year now since I started my healing and I’ve come a long ways. Months of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, weeks of Cannabidiols, and a lot of hard self-introspective work has turned my life around. I’m finding answers to the reasons why I’ve exhibited the unruly and sneaky behavior. Why I hid the traumatic event and acted the way I did for so many years.
I’ve learned that 1-in-5 boys are sexually abused or assaulted, 1-in-4 girls. I’ve learned that it wasn’t my fault. I’ve learned about my true friends. I’ve learned new techniques to cope with the sometimes extreme fears and anxieties experienced by abused children. I’m learning how to connect to my dreams again. Most importantly, I’ve learned self-love and self-forgiveness. My marriage is back on the mend. I am recreating myself. I am building a new life. I am creating a new company. I want to help others. I am no longer invisible. I’m out in the open now.
My name is “JOHN.”
It was not my dna,
nor my mommy and daddy
who told him
to stick it in there.
I carried that moment all my life,
never could I say no,
a perpetual people pleaser
I am no more.
He must have been
to do that act to me.
I am blessed
for such a trial
May God have mercy on our souls.
Written by “John”
Jan 6, 2016